Portsmouth, Ohio: Best and Worst

    Portsmouth, Ohio:
         The Best and the Worst

“It’s the city of the toppled steeple . . .”

                            I

It’s the best of cities,

It’s the worst of cities;

It’s the city of great price,

It’s the city of great vice;

It’s the city of piety,

It’s the city of notoriety;

It’s the city of the punctual,

It’s the city of the dysfunctional;

It’s the city of concerned citizens,

It’s the city of sleazy politicians;

It’s the city of blunt bloggers,

It’s the city of pettifoggers;

It is the city of meisters,

It’s the city of shysters;

It’s the city of roots,

It’s the city of brutes;

It’s the city of floodwalls,

It’s the city of pitfalls;

It’s the city of antique shops,

It’s the city of chop shops;

It’s the city of old coots,

It’s the city of young prostitutes.

It’s the city of work,

It’s the city of pork;

It’s the city of on-the-go,

It’s the city of who-you-know;

It’s the city of blue skies,

It’s the city of meth highs;

It’s the city of the squeaky clean, 

It’s the city of the obscene;

It’s the city of hospitals,

It’s the city of pill mills;

It’s the city of aspirin,

It’s the city of Oxycontin;

It’s the city of hope, 

It’s the city of dope;

It’s the city of new schools,

It’s the city of old fools;

It’s the city of the state university,

It’s the city of the learning disability;

It’s the city of every kid passes,

It’s the city of remedial classes;

It’s the city of the gifted and mathematical,

It’s the city of the illiterate and ungrammatical;

It’s the city of drawers and hewers,

It’s the city of backed-up sewers;

It’s the city of live wires,

It’s the city of suspicious fires;

It’s the city of the opera singer, 

It’s the city of giving the finger;

It’s the city of Christian and Jew,

It’s the city of Klan residue;

It’s the city of Scottie’s potties,

It’s the city of Mearan’s hotties;

It’s the city of lights at corners,

It’s the city of J. Edgar Horners;

It’s the city of the dedicated teacher,

It’s the city of the adulterous preacher;

It’s the city of upright people,

It’s the city of the toppled steeple;

It’s the city of the crucifix,

It’s the city of the cocaine fix;

It’s the city of the father’s dereliction,

It’s the city of the son’s addiction;

It’s the city of corny karaoke,

It’s the city of kin in the pokey;

It’s the city of Meals on Wheels,

It’s the city of drug deals;

It’s the city of whites and blacks,

It’s the city of mansions and shacks;

It’s the city of Main Street and the Hill,

It’s the city of the toxic fill.

                            II

It’s the city of the river breeze,

It’s the city of radioactive retirees;

It’s the city of the humble soul,

It’s the city of the doughnut hole;

It’s the city of exercise classes,

It’s the city of fat asses;

It’s the city of Kinneys and Massies,

It’s the city of sassy lassies;

It’s the city of the Welcome Center, to greet you,

It’s the city of estate planners, to cheat you;

It’s the city of real meeting halls,

It’s the city of imaginary malls;

It’s the city of Clayton’s tools,

It’s the city of Mearan’s mules;

It’s the city of Kalb gone to pot,

It’s the city of Bihl, who got caught;

It’s the city of Hospice, 

It’s the city of injustice;

It’s the city of Pampered Pets,

It’s the city of lapdog vets;

It’s the city of the opportune knock,

It’s the city of the pilfered rock;

   

It’s the city of those that can,  

It’s the city of the Ku Klutz Klan;

It’s the city of art galleries starting,

It’s the city of prohibited farting;

It’s the city of “I am what I am,”

It’s the city of the Marting Scam;

It’s the city of medical healers,

It’s the city of wheeler dealers;

It’s the city of preacher and parson,

It’s the city of incest and arson;

It’s the city of priest and minister,

It’s the city of lawyers who’re sinister;

It’s the city of winks and nudges,

It’s the city of venal judges;

It’s the city of prosperity,

It’s the city of poverty.

                      

                            III

It’s the city of honorable pursuits,

It’s the city of crooks in suits;

It’s the city of flood wall murals,

It’s the city of pork-lined urinals;

It’s the city of Southern hospitality,

It’s the city of redneck hostility;

It’s the city of he who has, gets,

It’s the city of he who hasn’t, bets;

It’s the city of food stamps and the lottery;

It’s the city of Bashams and besottery;

It’s the city of plenty, the city of need,

It’s the city of generosity, the city of greed;

It’s the city of speaking in tongues,

It’s the city of smokers’ lungs;

It’s the city of bikers collecting for toys,

It’s the city of bikers making noise;

It’s the city of victory torches,

It’s the city of sagging porches;

It’s the city of dreams,

It’s the city of schemes;

It’s the city of American do-and-dare,

It’s the city of the American nightmare;

It’s the city of  sweet charity, 

It’s the city of the SOGP;

It’s the city of shoes and shoelaces,

It’s the city of heels in high places;

It’s the city of vegetarian fruits, 

It’s the city of the city council in cahoots;

It’s the city of the Golden Rule,

It’s the city of (ugh!) Home Rule;

It’s the city of  drivers in a big hurry,

It’s the city of recalling Mayor Murray.

It’s the city of churches and chimes,

It’s the city of the lying Times;

It’s the city of spring and fall,

It’s the city of recall, recall, recall;

It’s the city of the blessed and cursed,

It’s the city of the best and worst.

                      Robert Forrey, 2010